Parental Mental Training Begins

The Daddy Diary: Part 3

When you feel that baby kung-fu kicking, fatherhood suddenly feels concrete and you realize that a tiny little person will see you as their Mr. Miyagi

“Wax on, wax off. Don’t forget to breathe, very important.” – Mr. Miyagi, Karate Kid (1984)

By Chris Lackner

Our baby is going to be a karate kid or, better yet, a ninja.

With the amount of kicking going on in mom’s belly these days, it’s either ninja or international soccer star – which would certainly make the baby’s Brazilian grandparents happy. (I’d like to think our child will dream big, and become the world’s first double threat: a ninja footballer).

Daddy DiaryWhile I’ve always wanted to raise a little Zen warrior (mainly for all the money I’d save on home security… but also for the free car waxing), this third trimester kicking phase is an important one for all dads-to-be. It’s the first time fatherhood feels concrete – more than an abstract concept. It’s a period where you fully realize that a tiny little life is already kung-fu fighting and, for better or worse, that you’re soon going to be that little one’s Mr. Miyagi.

There’s no doubt that women carry the largest burden of pregnancy. But while a growing baby is emotionally and physically re-wiring an expectant mother, I think it’s easy for a man to feel on the outside looking in.

There’s no doubt that women carry the largest burden of pregnancy. But while a growing baby is emotionally and physically re-wiring an expectant mother, I think it’s easy for a man to feel on the outside looking in.

Before the third trimester kickathon, I often found myself soul searching. How do I feel about being a father? Am I capable of the kind of empathy and unconditional love a baby requires? Am I equipped to evolve from selfish adult to selfless parent? Women are charged with re-programming hormones practically from Day 1 of conception. Case and point: almost immediately, my wife hated even the faintest taste of wine. For me, this was the shock equivalent of being told “sorry, we got it wrong, the Earth is actually flat” or “Atlantis was discovered this morning off the coast of Florida.” (Fingers still crossed for the latter).

Men aren’t conditioned by new biological impulses. But whether a real or imagined condition, I have certainly tried my best to have a “sympathy pregnancy.” For example, I’ve generously and kindly put on weight – no questions asked. (Confession: no longer having a partner to share a wine bottle with, I fear this may be due to all the additional beer I’ve been drinking.) I’ve also developed heartburn for the first time, have become more flatulent (also, quite possibly the beer). While it’s a long, exhausting road being an expectant mother, it’s a long, sometimes isolating road to fatherhood. You’ve made “the team,” but you always feel like you’re on the bench. You can imagine what it would be like to be “in the game,” but you’re number is never called (other than to shop, cook, lift, and apologize for all the things you did wrong that day).

Men aren’t conditioned by new biological impulses. But whether a real or imagined condition, I have certainly tried my best to have a “sympathy pregnancy.” For example, I’ve generously and kindly put on weight – no questions asked.

But I think the first time a man feels those belly kicks and punches, their own re-wiring slowly, finally begins. I’ve had friends, and my sage-like brother-in-law, tell me about the overwhelming fierce instinct to love, protect and nurture that emerges the moment they first see their child. And I have no doubt that instant will be the final tonic that cures any of my dwindling self-doubts about being a father.

In a matter of weeks, our long high-wire act as parents will begin – learning when to shepherd and safeguard, and when to give our child the freedom to grow… the space to forge – or kick! – their own path. As Mr. Miyagi once said, “Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good.”

I suspect our little ninja will be the real teacher, and not the other way around. Our mini Miyagi will be the one imparting all the most important lessons. As the prospective student in the equation, I think back to one of the most touching lines in Karate Kid when Daniel says to his mentor, “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.” Miyagi’s response is, “You… pretty okay, too.” One day I hope to elicit a similar endorsement from our tiny fighter.

The Daddy Diary continues in The Ex-Press, for past instalments, click here.

Logo and illustrations by Victor Bonderoff
THE EX-PRESS, July 7, 2016

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